A Taste of Light was revealed to me Lag B'omer 2012

I have always been the type of person who looks for the deeper meaning of things. Usually to no avail I have been disappointed not being able to find the essence or truth accuracy reality of object matter, physical space or even ideas. I come from a shomer Mitzvos family and have a RJJ SI yeshiva grade school education so I had a taste for Torah beauty and enjoyment from it. ALWAYS??? .  I wore a “black hat” (it was really gray) to my barmitzva and wore it until 10^th grade where I switched from Sharei Torah monsey to MTA. From then on the decline became steeper. I eventually went to Neveh Tzion from 1998-2000 and started keeping shabbas and kosher to this day. I always wore tefilin even when not frum in action, but I was always a oxy moron and hypocrite being always frum at heart. People always said I was a good listener and I like to think of myself as thoughtful and considerate, generally speaking. I always felt a foul taste towards bad language and blatant shabbos desecration. I always loved the values of the torah even when on the outside I tried to prove otherwise. I was honest towards other, cool in status, popularwith friends , likeable by almost everyone especially other parents since my mother installed in my proper etiquette manors. , athletic, geshikd and clever, and used all these attributes deceitfully to portray my outward image. My love for learning and appreciation of torah and its values never absent , never missing, never not there. I My choice was just always the more rebellious of the options. I keep Shabbas and kosher and have a once a week shiur with Papa that has been going on since my wedding 10 yrs ago Oct 2012. This shiur with my beloved most respected darling most loved Papa has really been my backbone. He represents the product of KADOSH and the mesorah from Europe pre WW2. Even this became burdensome to me

            As the past 10 yrs progresses I B”H built a beautiful family with my special wife Pamela and get nachas every day from watching her and the 3 kids grow and develop grow and increase.

Although we have  always had a religiously demeanor appearance conduct and mannor, neverthe less our emunah was skiing a double black (steepest decline). The last few years especially have been low.  We never taught our sitter the proper ways of a kosher kitchen and our calim became questionable. Between the kids grabbing any utensil to bowl their cereal and one sink unavoidable. I became lax in my observance. Tefilin became a Burdon so I just threw them on. I hadn’t davened with a sidur and tefilin for a yesr…maybe two?  Last year I wore shorts on the street on shabbos and have been thinking to watch tv for a while now. We would go away to hotels and swim. My overall interest in religion was dwindling and exteriorly it felt great. But inside I was feeling the burn as tmy tires raced towards the  egel hazohav in the emotional sence. Not physical sence bc I never really had a passionate desire for worldy celebratory life style. So far the picture doesn’t sound too good at this point.

            I have been searching world events and realize appreciate and understand the signs that were all pointing from above and decipher the message to return. But for some reason the density of physicality catches us and gravitizes us toward the deepes tumah and unfoung discusts of phusicality and pornography. I became a womanizer and never fought with my  strongest physical desire dehydrated day in day out and both .  It filled my surroundings with negativity pessimism cynicism and sarcasm. I was enraged and blackened with tumah badness  and  I was spiritual  torn, ragged and exploded within me. I felt those negatively created spirits surrounding my home. ThI would contemplate an envisioned life without shomer Shabbat and lifted my hand to flirted with the remote.  I did not desecrate shabbos like that …yet…but became lazy idle ,and negligent  careless, inattentive and sloppy. I had 0 self esteem and  couldn’t understand what my fife saw in me. I was mean to her and  masked affection with anger. (this is my next hardest obstacle).

            May 10, 2012 Lag Bomer

            I was surfing the net for untold unknown theories such as pole shift weather patterns always connected world events to Israt and knew everything would eventually WW3 come down to Israel. Often I web surf to Israel news or Jewish sites and I came across Rshbi. I had a Gemarah shiur so often came across the name ( I also passed out drunk at his kever  in my neveh days so maybe nowthat I am writing this  there may be more connection than I thought…or however you want to interpret that …there with me so I read an article on him and the holiday

What happened to me next is on a level of its own that has no description, no picture,  that night was like nothing I have ever felt so strongly  IN MY LIFE.

I was sucked in like engulf  a babys nursing grip, druling fore more and more like a drooling dog, a gambler feaning for the next hand, a swimmer gasping for air, passionate obsessive, excitement, enthusiasm, truth, honesty,  real, genuine and exact factual to my venerable self of the Torah. I was overwhelmed and 100% overtaken and overcome by this spark of energy that swallowed me in happily. A glimpe of light has been exposed to me and Hashem chose that exact time to reveal this force.

 It was  wedding day excitement championship valor spiritual engulfment I was enlightened and invigorated . My mind opened and received the tiniest sliver and taste of pure spiritual satisfaction. I was in no way in meditation but only sitting at my computer reading about the chag. The CHAG CAME TO LIFE FOR ME. I NOW know that Lag Bomer is a secret special and spectacular day that the hidden secrets and blueprint of the torah were received by rashbi from Eliyahu hanavi. The numbers patterns ideas flow influence geometry calculations physics  gravity

I was plugged in full turbo. My mind was working at 1000% higher rate. The content of what now after I reflected on some of what I noted seems to be “regular” divre torah. The gematrias and pesookim from all over tenach were clicking in my mind Iwas understanding everything and the flow of knowledge faucet opened up for me. The excitement and joy pleasure happiness delight and bliss connected and genuine pumped my fists  and grinned my teeth in satisfaction. It engulfed every emotion  I have ever felt and sucked me in embraced me. I was coherent was was going on and was giggling in laughter and pleasure by just observing and externalizing what I was feeling. No matter what I read online IT ALL  worked together.

Imagine a basketball team where individual satisfactory players bond and work together to win the underdog championship. Now imagine that they played so well together that physically their bodies just moved to the right spot on the court with success. Now you can imagine a slight outerbody experience where you can mentally observe whats happening. Now imagine that 1000x fold. That is what I was feeling. My bodily expressions were joyous in laughter. I know this sounds silly but my eyes really opened and my being has been different since then. I have been chasing that feeling ever since but not quite yet. The droplets do build up and I have really taken the inititive to

Now that I had this awareness exposed to me (which is really what happened) I have been striving to learn more and more from every possible angle to feed my yearning. I have awakened and trying to feed my starving neshama. neshama which is much deeper than everyday living ruach. Ruch as physicall awareness. Every day life and day to day consciousness. Neshama is something much deeper. Its more understandable in todays terminology as your “subconscious”. But I think its even more that that and goes much deeper. Your neshama is a totally differenct consciousness level that related to the mystical and intangible worlds. All the learning reading and searching I definitely at this point don’t understand  but Its been food for my neshama.  My neshama feeds off the words and ideas that to the physical mind seem so unrealistic and made up. But let me tell you that it really doe exist. Ever get that feeling where your on such a high? Family simcha, sports endeavor, love? There is something deeper than the plain physical ruach. Most people don’t even realize that they have this extra level of their being. Physicallity is co concentrated and condensed at our level of malchus that people are absolutely blinded to spirituality.

In any case ,ever since  Lag Bomer I have been spending every moment I could to feed my starving and calling neshama. Its invigorated with in me and trying to resurface. I stay up until 2-3 AM daily feeding with torah, sod articles online, tefillah, torah shebal peh, and tehillim. I was trying to improve with every day of the sefirat haomer to grow closer and for the first time in my life (besides my wedding day) I was preparing my mind religiously for a specific event. I had a week or two until Shavuot which is known as the wedding b/w hashem and the jews. I was delving my mind constantly trying to create separation between my spitirul neshama and physical body and ruach. I do feel that I gained a nautal love and appreciation , deeper than the average person. So I was preparing for the wedding day ( shacharit tefilaf after tikun leil Shavuot) By the time Shavuot night came I was the first person waiting for the chabad shul doors to open . I couldn’t wait to get my feet wet and start to invigorate and spark my consciousness getting ready for shacharit. I feel I did an ok job and by the time davening came I was totally psyched and ready for the davening experience of my life and a spiritual growth! I reviewed all my kaballah notes that I have been taking since lag bomer, listened to shiurim, said tehillim, learned gemarah, chumash, and sid the 13 ani maamims. Unfortunatly I was extremely disappointed in the tefillah. The congregation had one thing on their minds BED. They were up all night and exhausted so the tefilah set world records in speed. I was pages behind when I started simultaneously.  Kedusha and Hallel was speed through with not even 1 song. I felt rushed and was actually quite upset with the crowd who were talking and rushing just going though th motions so they can hit the sack quicker. I was outraged and crying inside. I felt hurt and abandoned but now I realize that I should have picked another shul for this particular tefillah so the disappointment is in myself. I now 


I first heard you speak at neveh in 2000 and have not been reaching my religious abilities until this past Lag Bomer a few weeks ago where a taste of the SOD of torah was shown to me on the secrets of Rashbi and the hidden light. I was salivating and overly excited with every breath and motion of my body! I have always been searching for something greater...by reading the news...etc and have always realized the bigger picture and futility and baseness of most american jews who robotically go through motions and practice Judaism. I was personally to embarrassed to even daven to hashem since I was "malei boosha" and too embarrassed to even show my face to the creator. Since then (lag bomer) I feel reborn and have been up to 2-3 am every single night desiring to do teshuva and searching for ways to come closer to hashem in understanding the WORDS AND LETTERS of my tefilos/ torah/ and tehilim/ and by researching kabalistic ideas to connect me to my creator. I am now doing everything I can to open my mind to receive and prepare myself for the Geulah of that day "bayom hahu". I do need someone to talk/ connect/ vent to since I have no one here that I feel comfortable enough with that wont think I am crazy. I do plan to tell my wife whats been going on with me the past month but I am afraid she will not take me so seriously. I have many thoughts that I have been meaning to write down and this email if really the first expression of my feelings that I have exposed to anyone on this planet. If you have any suggestions for me please tell me. I plan to start writing my thoughts and what opened my eyes and maybe start a bog site? I want to do my part to spread the word but I need to continue working on myself to prove to ME that this is a lasting inner revolution. If you are interested to read what i will write please let me know. I am a laymen and far from a scholar but I feel that I need to get it out there and maybe through you I can be enlightened in the derech to continue. This morning I saw your music video and LITERALLY cried out to hashem with my tehillim and read pasuk 2:11.